


cat(astrophe)

by ElasticElla



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Fluff, M/M, Podfic Available, shyanpositivityweek
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-16
Updated: 2018-05-16
Packaged: 2019-05-07 16:56:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14675436
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ElasticElla/pseuds/ElasticElla
Summary: “Aww, who’s a cute little kitty cat?”“She’s hideous. And she doesn’t blink,” Ryan says, and just to spite him, the cat looks up and slowly blinks.





	cat(astrophe)

**Author's Note:**

> written for the [shyan positivity event](http://lesbiancleophas.tumblr.com/post/173908084810/shyan-positivity-week-may-16-20-five-days), come join us \o/
> 
> also happens to be the cat fic referenced in [satisfaction brought it back](https://archiveofourown.org/works/13504218) if you're into cross-fic fun lmao
> 
> *now read by Annapods [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14837039) \o/

Ryan wakes up with a muffled scream. 

There’s a heavy weight on his chest and neck, something weird against his mouth- oh god it isn’t moving. His eyes are adjusting too slowly, fingers fumbling for a flashlight. Finally grasping it, the flashlight shut off somehow and refuses to turn back on, he figures it could be a weapon. 

The mass on his chest shifts, claws sinking into his shirt, and two bright green eyes stare unblinkingly at him. 

Ryan sits up, a beam of shaky light erupting as the flashlight finally works and there’s a cat sitting in his lap. 

It’s an ugly hairless thing, all wrinkled and looks more like a goblin than cat. 

Ryan’s eyes narrow, he doesn’t know much about cats but he’s pretty sure they’re supposed to run away from sudden movements, light, or noises. The cat ignores him, circling in the newly formed lap before laying down again. 

“What! Don’t do that- you weird beast. Go away.” He even sneezes, a little surprised that the allergies took so long to kick in. (His eyes aren’t watering though, he supposes the lack of long fur is a blessing in disguise.)

The cat begins to lick its paw, utterly unconcerned. 

“-hosts aren’t real, g’back sleep,” Shane mumbles from a nearby patch of floor. 

“Oh fuck you Madej,” Ryan says, tossing a pillow at him. 

Shane grunts, but doesn’t turn and Ryan has weirder things to worry about. Like the unnatural cat sitting in his lap. 

Fuck, would holy water work on a possessed cat? He’s pretty sure it would, but Shane drank the last of the blessed water earlier by mistake. (Or so he claims.)

“Whatever, fine stay there,” Ryan relents, even if it looks like a gremlin it probably is not demonic. Then again, what _was_ a cat doing in an abandoned hospital? The building was eerily deserted of all living creatures- rodents or otherwise. It was part of the reason Ryan was so excited to get footage of this place, Shane couldn’t blame anything on rats or birds or bats.

“I’m keeping an eye on you and I don’t sleep,” he says, and the cat’s moved on to licking her genitals. Ryan winces, “No way that’s sanitary.”

Ryan keeps the flashlight aimed at the room’s opening, waiting for something to happen. Eventually he drifts off, a tiny bit disappointed. Mary’s Hospital was known to be highly active, maybe there will be something when he reviews the footage.

.

“You made a friend!” Shane exclaims, and Ryan’s jolted awake. 

“Dude your breath is rank.” Ryan looks down, and sure enough the cat is _still_ sitting in his lap. She’s purring now, and obviously possessed one of his hands while he was sleeping to pet her. 

“This cat is strange,” Ryan says, taking his hand away. She meows pitifully, and Shane- the sucker- coos and scratches under her jaw. 

“Aww, who’s a cute little kitty cat?” 

“She’s hideous. And she doesn’t blink,” Ryan says, and just to spite him, the cat looks up and slowly blinks. 

Shane laughs, “Got anything else?” 

“She’s _weird_. And how did she get in here anyways? You heard Ms. Jones, there’s supposed to be nothing living in here except us.” 

Shane rolls his eyes, “So the cat snuck in big deal.” 

“Let’s go, I need breakfast.” 

Shane scoops the cat up, his gigantic hands more than big enough for her to lay on. “We should bring her to a vet, make sure she didn’t give you fleas.” 

His junk is suddenly itchy, and Ryan fucking hates Shane sometimes.

.

The good news is the cat doesn’t have any fleas, or diseases. The bad news is there’s no record of this cat, and its weight and muscle imply she isn’t a long-time stray. The local vet, Jordan, tells them she was probably abandoned once she outgrew her kitten stage; she’s only a year or so old. 

Naturally Shane decides this means they have to keep her. 

Which is a bullshit move since the cat is creepily attached to _him_ not Shane, keeps sitting in his lap whenever she can and playing with his hoodie’s drawstrings. 

“Come on, you know the fans will love her. And she’s a cat, how much work can she be? You don’t want to leave her here to be put down do you?” 

“Shane-”

“I bet she’d come back as a ghostie and haunt you,” he teases. 

Ryan sighs and pays for the papers officially stating he’s adopting the possibly demonic cat. 

“Name?” Jordan asks. 

“Cat,” Ryan says. 

“Don’t write that down,” Shane interrupts, “that’s a terrible name. It isn’t even short for anything.” 

“Really? Short jokes?” 

“Oh ho tempting, a real name. She’s gonna be a star baby.” 

Ryan shakes his head, is so not allowing his show to turn into some campy live action Scooby-Doo, “You mean walking catastrophe. Yeah, Catastrophe.” 

Jordan writes it down before Shane can stop them, and Ryan is so ready to drive home. 

.

Cat sits on Ryan’s lap the entire drive back, doesn’t seem to mind him shifting gears or messing with the radio. He supposes the warm bag of skin is kind of creepy nice, but he won’t be saying that. (Certainly not before the cat drinks a bowl of holy water.)

After he drops Shane off, it’s the pet store and then home. Cat stays in the car while he’s shopping, and the only explanation is he gets temporary amnesia inside when he drops well over a hundred dollars on food, kitty litter, a bed, and an assortment of treats and toys.

Even though it’s only seven, dusk just settling in as he finishes unpacking everything, Ryan’s exhausted. Not so tired that he forgets to fill one of the new bowls with holy water, the other with food. And then Cat’s chowing down and Ryan’s too tired to make sure she drinks some water. She probably will, she’s likely an ordinary cat, maybe a little dehydrated from the drive. In the morning he’ll check on it. (She would have done something weirder by now, right? Right?)

Cat’s bed goes in the kitchen, so she doesn’t get any ideas. Ryan brushes his teeth, lazily stripping, and rather than find pajamas, he crawls into bed wearing boxers. In the morning, he’ll change them. He’ll remember before putting pants on. Mhmm. 

.

Ryan wakes up with a groan, it’s still dark out and there’s a begrudgingly familiar weight on his stomach. 

“Got you a ni-,” a yawn cracks his mouth open wide, “-ce bed. Go.”

Cat blinks at him twice, gets up- and for a millisecond Ryan almost feels guilty- and then she walks in a circle before laying down again. Ryan groans again and reaches for his phone....which he forgot to plug in. Dammit. 

He’s fading in and out of sleep as the phone charges enough to turn back on, and his state is definitely to be blamed for the fact that he begins scratching beneath the goblin’s neck. She purrs loudly, which is admittedly nice, and- 

His phone beeps on, 3:18 glowing too bright at him. 

Fuck. 

He has work in less than six hours. 

Double fuck. 

This is exactly why he isn’t supposed to go to sleep before ten at the earliest. This is probably going to fuck up his whole week, and they have another location soon. (Earlier this month, it seemed like a great plan to do location-home and postmortem-new location for the last two episodes, but he’s regretting it now. Fuck, he’s gonna be so exhausted in the morning.) 

Cat meows, interrupting his musings, and oh, his hand stopped moving. He pets the little beast some more, Cat butting her head into his palm. 

He doesn’t remember falling asleep, but suddenly his room is bright, his phone alarm blaring, and the gremlin is swatting at his phone. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” Ryan asks, bemused as he shuts it off. 

Cat blinks up at him before leaping off the bed, and trotting into the kitchen. He’s pretty sure it’s universal for _serve my breakfast petty human_.

He puts a bagel in the toaster and feeds Cat before looking at the clock and crap, he completely slept through his first alarm. Running back into the bedroom he gets dressed and throws some water in his face, his skin still feels sticky from sleep but at least he’s partly refreshed. Of course water drips down his forearms, and fuck he doesn’t have the time to wipe up the puddle now. 

The doorbell goes off, and Ryan doesn’t need whatever door-to-door salesperson decided to show up when he’s actually here. Unless it’s a girl scout, he could so go for a Thin Mint breakfast. 

“Just a minute!” he calls, grabbing his work bag. Totally ready to leave in case the person is a really insistent non-girl scout. 

“Hey,” Ryan says, opening the door to reveal a grinning Shane. 

“Good Morning! Isn’t it a marvelous day?” 

Ryan’s eyes narrow, “Why are you holding a leash?” 

Shane’s grin widens somehow, and Ryan can hear a cartoonish chime- fuck he didn’t get enough sleep last night. “I talked to the boss lady, Unsolved’s newest mascot can come into work as long as she’s on a leash.” 

“What.” 

“And y’know she’ll be good for worker morale too. Not to mention how much the internet loves cats. Did you know-”

Shane keeps babbling on about cat-internet statistics, and Ryan is just watching his mouth move. Who knows how many sentences later he _realizes_ he’s watching Shane’s mouth and he snatches the leash. 

“Yeah, yeah, Cat’s joining us. If she goes to the bathroom, you’re cleaning it up.” 

“Deal.” 

And the hobgoblin herself is sitting behind him, waiting. 

Fucking creepy cat. 

.

The whole office is far too in love with Cat, Steven declaring her the new buzzfeed mascot. (‘We can do Worth It for catnip! Oh dude, you _have_ to let me do it.’) After seemingly everyone’s greeted Cat with a pat or treat, they head to their little library for filming. 

Well, Shane takes Cat in and Ryan goes to the kitchen to get them a pair of coffees. He’s waiting for the machine when his stomach gurgles and he remembers the bagel still in his toaster. 

Goddammit. 

With the two full cups, they’re hot enough that he walks to the library set quickly, placing them down gingerly on the table. 

Shane and TJ are laughing, Shane saying, “Wait man you have to see this.” 

He’s pointing up at Cat, atop one of the bookshelves and leash conspicuously missing. Cat looks right at him, and then puts her paw on _Demonic Origins_ pushing it off the shelf. 

“What the hell!” Ryan exclaims, and looking at the floor now he notices around half a dozen books have been shoved off. “Bad cat!” 

“Aww c’mon she’s just having a little fun.” 

Ryan stacks the books on the table’s corner, “Don’t make excuses for her Shane.”

Shane snickers, grabbing his coffee and gulping some down like the monster he is. (Seriously if Ryan even took a tiny _sip_ of his, he’d burn his tongue and mouth and everything would taste off for hours.)

Cat jumps down to the table as TJ’s adjusting the frame. 

“Holy shit! Did you get that?” Ryan asks, looking at the distance. “Wild cat.” 

Cat stretches out exposing her tummy, and Ryan lightly scratches. “Yeah, good kitty, just stay here.” 

“Uh the landing,” TJ says. 

Shane shakes a hand, “I’m sure it’ll happen again-”

“What? No!” 

“Welcome to the Hot Daga!” 

“Oh fuck you,” Ryan says, clearing his throat. “Hello and welcome to another edition of Buzzfeed Postmortem; a show where we answer your most pressing questions about the most recent episode of Buzzfeed Unsolved-”

“Now with a cat!” 

Ryan scratches behind her ear, “Internet, this is Cat. Cat, internet.” 

“We were talking about what the show really needs since ghosts haven’t been appearing-”

“Real funny Shane.” 

“-so obviously we went with bare naked pussy.” 

Ryan sighs, “We’re gonna have to cut that from the vid.” 

In the end there are over a dozen pussy jokes that get cut, and Ryan’s ashamed to admit they aren’t all Shane’s. Though in his defense, his own were during the Hot Daga. 

.

Cat refuses to drink the holy water, sitting beside the leaky faucet instead and putting her tongue out every time a drop falls. Cat also runs away from the holy water squirt gun. 

Shane says it’s obviously because she’s a _cat_ and cat’s aren’t huge fans of water, but Ryan doesn’t believe him. After all, Cat will deign to drink from his own glasses of non-holy water and gets curious about the shower. She plays in the bathtub when it’s empty, and he’s curious how she’ll react the next instance he actually has the time to take a long bath. (She also does seem to like steam.)

While Ryan is a little too embarrassed to bring Cat to Father Thomas, if they happen to need his help in an upcoming video- Cat will definitely be tagging along. 

.

The Williams House is fairly quiet as they explore, the loudest noises coming from Shane’s stupid mouth or Cat’s bored meows. Shane makes a few jokes about Cat being a shaniac, and regrettably Ryan already knows it’ll stay in the vid. 

Everything’s normal until the Blue Room- which is naturally the one they’ll be sleeping in. Cat goes wild, running around the room and playing with something. 

A chill seeps into his bones, and Ryan swallows, forces himself to ask, “Is someone here with us? Could you say your name?” 

Cat pauses, and then keeps playing, even more energetic than before. 

Shane naturally finds this whole thing funny and not the least bit compelling. 

“Oh c’mon,” he says, “she’s chasing a dust bunny, cats do that.” 

“It could’ve been-”

“The only thing that size are orbs,” Shane interrupts. “Are you batting for the orb team?” 

Ryan crosses his arms, “She’s clearly playing with something or someone-”

“Orbs Ryan!” 

“Whatever, just wait till we watch the video. You’ll see.” 

Shane gives an exaggerated yawn, “Whelp, I’m ready to turn in.” 

Cat prances back over to them, winding around Ryan’s legs until he pats her. 

“Hurry up or my light’s goin’ out,” Shane says, placing his sleeping bag. 

“You haven’t even changed yet,” Ryan says, but he still starts setting up his own sleeping place. There’s an actual working bathroom in this place, which is always a plus, and he sets up Cat’s food and water in the bathroom. 

“Light’s going out in five, four, three-”

“Fuck you man,” Ryan says, doing a last mental check that he finished his nighttime routine before heading out. 

Shane’s flashlight is already out because he’s a dick, and Ryan uses his own to get to his sleeping bag.

“G’night,” Ryan says once he’s completely cocooned in his blankets and the flashlight is pointing up at the ceiling. 

“Mhmm, don’t let the ghost bedbugs bite,” Shane says. 

“The worst,” Ryan mutters, listening to the house settle. It’s a windy night and leaves keep brushing against the window. Shane’s snoring joins the sounds soon enough, and then Cat sits in his lap and starts purring, rumbly loud and soothing. 

He drifts in and out of wakefulness, but the Williams House seems to be getting quieter as the night continues. Hopefully there’s something on camera from earlier with Cat, otherwise this one will go to the shaniacs. And with all the reports of this house, he was really hoping for the lightning in a bottle tonight. Maybe he should approach Shane again with the idea of living in a haunted location for a few months? 

The weight on his chest shifts, and Ryan’s already too used to Cat, shines a light on her. 

Red cat eyes flare and there’s the clear imprint of a hand stroking down against her side. 

Ryan screams. 

All at once Cat jumps off his chest, Shane wakes up, and Ryan stands up- looking around wildly for an apparition. He’s so damn close, let it still be in here-

“Ry? Buddy? You okay?” Shane asks softly. 

He brings the light back to Cat, and she’s merely licking her paw and rubbing behind her ears. No sign of red eyes or the moving hand. 

He sighs, “Yeah I thought I saw-.” Ryan stops himself; he’d been practically sleeping couldn’t be any less reliable. 

“Hey, what was it?” Shane asks, scooting out of his sleeping bag and standing up.

“I uh,” Ryan swallows, “saw a clear hand petting Cat.” 

“Everyone does like the mascot,” Shane says. 

“Fuck you, I was sure, but then I looked around and… nothing.” 

“We’ll watch the cameras in the morning. Maybe they caught something.” 

Ryan hums noncommittally, watching Cat progress to licking her stomach. 

“Hey, talk to me,” Shane says, coming in closer, blocking off his view of Cat. “What do you wanna do? We can stay and get more footage, we can leave the standing cams here and hit a motel. How are you feeling?” 

“We aren’t alone.” An odd laugh tumbles past his lips, and he doesn’t even know how he’s feeling. “We’re staying.” 

“You sure? I can do it alone,” Shane offers. 

“Bullshit, a ghost could dance on your head and you’d blame the wind.” 

Shane grins, “Should I invite it to do that?” 

Ryan stares at him for a minute, blames the lack of sleep for his reduced snappiness. “Nothing that’ll stop us from leaving in the morning.” 

“Or what?” 

“Fuck you or what.” 

Shane grins wide, “Well that’s not much incentive to ever leave is it?” 

The words process slow, but once they do a blush heats up his cheeks. 

With a wink, Shane yells, “Oh ghostalicious! Come dance with me and Cat- I bet we have better moves than you!

“We challenge you to a dance-off! Only a cowardly fool would refuse.”

“Holy shit dude,” Ryan says. 

Shane cackles, “If you don’t come dance, we’ll burn down your house! We’ll take away all you have left and scatter the ashes into the ocean.” 

There’s a few blessedly silent minutes when Ryan’s afraid to breathe too hard, and Shane shrugs, “I tried.” 

Ryan throws his empty water bottle at him. 

.

Ryan doesn’t sleep for the rest of the morning, sitting and waiting. There’s a few more close calls that speed up his heart-rate, but nothing concrete. Cat goes back to his lap, and thankfully it’s just Ryan petting her. 

Shane yawns loudly as he wakes, “No sleep Ry?” 

“We made it,” Ryan says instead, pleased. 

“Mhmm, did you want something?” Shane asks, crawling over to him. 

“Oh fuck you-” 

Shane leans in to kiss him, soft and short and sour. Ryan’s tempted to open his mouth even though he knows it’s a bad idea, but Shane backs away grinning before he can. 

“How about we both leave, get real showers and breakfast, and do this again in a location with at least 40% less dust?” 

Ryan pretends to think, looking around the room. “I dunno, I think we should be pushing for 60% less dust.” 

Cat meows, upset at the lack of attention. With a shared laugh, they both pet her and Ryan supposes the Williams House wasn’t so bad after all.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [[podfic] Cat(astrophe)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/14837039) by [Annapods](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annapods/pseuds/Annapods)




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